Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
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i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.