The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
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Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
the icebreaker
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]