Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
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I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹