I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
You Might Also Like
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Not today.. 😂
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers