“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
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Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
uncle dave has been through hell
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.