My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
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When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
gm
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.