My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
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“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
For the baby who has everything