God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
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Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I only treason on days ending in y
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?