Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
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My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me