Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
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You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.