I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
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Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next