my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
You Might Also Like
that wasn’t the question
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
#parenting
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby