How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
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Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support