Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
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It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger