My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
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I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
oh u like history? name everything that happened
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?