the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
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My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.