*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
You Might Also Like
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band