ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
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Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
So sick of all these stupid rules
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I am never leaving this website
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.