If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
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I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
This is enough internet for the day.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Speak now or ever hold your peace
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
plums roundup
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick