I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
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My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable