Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
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I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Boating season is upon us.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Aight bet
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night