Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
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2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Omg 🤣
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
If I ignore life will it go away?
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.