Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
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me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.