[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
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My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.