Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
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“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles