10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
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[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I鈥檓 not saying that I鈥檇 summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I鈥檓 not ready to say that I wouldn鈥檛 either
colleges: i鈥檓 going to put you in so much debt you can鈥檛 even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won鈥檛 donate to our alumni fund
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it鈥檚 for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don鈥檛 already know I鈥檓 an idiot.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they鈥檙e giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn鈥檛 like
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today鈥檚 repast was magnifiqu茅
MCDONALD鈥橲 CASHIER: what
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem鈥ou’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she鈥檚 ordering at a drive thru* I鈥檇 like some pancakes.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Finished stitching this today 馃槆
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I鈥檝e got bad news for you.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder