Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
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held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
best first i’ve ever seen
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…