[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
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[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I cannot stop laughing at this
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.