The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
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Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
They got a point!
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”