One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
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My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
A choir of Spring onions
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM