As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
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kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
is nasa ok
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes