to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
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Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes