When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
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Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
hackers play passwordle
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE