Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
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“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.