MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
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My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter