the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
You Might Also Like
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.