I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
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Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
when you are just born a rebel
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!