Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
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[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.