Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
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[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.