“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
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Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK