I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
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Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?