BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
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me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
thank god the sign was there
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.