Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
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Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Don鈥檛 charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Everyone has that one friend they鈥檝e known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it鈥檚 too late to ask
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Guantanamo Bae
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain鈥檛 no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 馃槍馃槍
thanksgiving in nutshell
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991