Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
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If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.