Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
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[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Bike is short for Bichael.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Buck naked
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.