Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
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Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
who will stop them
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first