Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing