[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
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I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*