My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
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I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Thursday Thought.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
The best shot in the history of golf
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.