YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
You Might Also Like
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.